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Respect: A Two Way StreetBy Barbara LeinerHow many times in fifteen years of foster parenting do I hear the term "lack of respect"? Well, given a five dollar bill for each time could possibly qualify my name to be entered in Forbes Magazine. Lack of respect is a cry I have heard from many a foster parent when a placement didn't go the way they thought it should. The social worker believes a child can best be served by a relative. The foster parent doesn't like the relative and lends no cooperation. Does the social worker lack respect for the foster parent or does the foster parent lack respect for the social worker? In order to receive respect we must give respect. Simplistic? Maybe. However, I have seen it work time and time again. It is important for us to know and understand the rules that govern social working. Many times the social worker, too, is unhappy with the decision that MUST be made due to court rulings, laws, policy, etc. How one conducts themself as a foster parent not only reflects that individual, but will have an impact on how all foster parents are viewed. Too many foster parents have the attitude that because the child is living with them they know what is best for that child. Maybe so. Let's respect the education and experience of the social worker and share with them our observances and knowledge. You say you've done it all and the social worker is still "ridiculous". If you think the conflict is seriously jeopardizing the child's welfare, go up the ladder of command. If you just don't like the decision, let it go! Is it possible foster parents are never wrong and social workers are never right? No. If we constantly complain, we become known as complainers and are less likely to be taken seriously. Our voices become tuned out. Vocalizing our stances sparingly lends credence to our words and allows us to be heard. We must remember, we are not miracle workers and cannot save every child that passes through our lives -- much as we wish we could. This doesn't make us losers or quitters. It means we are human. Sometimes we can get so caught up in wanting a child's life to be perfect, we lose sight of reality. We must not allow our egos to fuel disrespect as I have seen happen so many times. Through earned respect we will make a difference in the lives of our special children, I guarantee it! Are we in foster care to ease the lives of abused and neglected children or to build our egos? My vote is for the children. To build respect we must hold our heads erect. Education!!! Take as many classes as time and babysitting expenses will allow. A well trained and knowledgeable foster parent holds the key to a child's future. There has to be respect in that! Dress nicely and be well groomed. If we want to be treated as professionals we must look and act the part. Every now and again, give your child's social worker a pat on the back. There are injustices in the system and we are frustrated by them. We have other avenues available for us to travel to combat these injustices. Writing our representative is a classic example. Join and become active in a foster parent association. Don't use the children and the department as a forum. Trying to change policy one social worker and one child at a time can create a poor working relationship between all parties and is unfair to all parties. Chances are the social worker is as unhappy with the system as we are. The foster parent must stay focused on his/her responsibilities to the child and the department that entrusts children to our care. Anything else WILL result in, guess what, a lack of respect for the foster parent's judgement to adequately provide care. Whoever said "I never promised you a rose garden" must have been referring to foster care. We are given thorns and sometimes get stuck. However, we hold in our hands the power to avoid the thorns and enjoy the rose. Without respect we have no voice. As foster parents, we do a job most people can't or won't do. We are special.
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