Our Experience As Foster Parents

by Darla E. Ellinger

Well, for the last few months we have been talking about becoming foster parents, but . . . we just keep putting it off. Yes, we think we are interested. We have always liked kids! Jody and I had this same conversations for a few months before we finally made that phone call . . . That turned out to be one of the most rewarding call, we have ever made! We had a lot of reasons to become foster parents and a lot of encouragement to make that phone call! We love kids. We wanted to help kids . . . But, our main "MOTIVE!"..."THE WRONG MOTIVE!" Our desire to have children . . . "Our struggle with infertility!" A temporary solution, to our infertility! In our eyes, a way to take our minds off, of not being pregnant! Children to love, until I got pregnant! Reality, is that opening our home and becoming foster parents was "Our blessing in disguise!"

All of the foster parent classes in the world, role playing, home study and visits from social workers will not prepare you for the reality of "Becoming foster parents!" These classes will describe foster children as "kids with severe behavior problems, bed wetting, sexually inappropriate acting children, that are not going to act like your own children, they will steal, lie and have attachment disorders, so prepare yourself!" You leave the class, fearful of these kids and unsure that you have the ability to help or take care of any of these kids! The first few placements of a child to your home, is a "BREEZE!" You're new to the system, happy and believe that the social workers, the children, and you, will work together towards the same goals!! The child!

With more foster kids, than foster homes, the foster kids will fill your home as quickly as you will accept them! The kids, your family and the heartaches that will come with each goodbye, will be enough to find yourself walking out the door of social services, asking yourself "why you became a foster parent? Or, do the social workers have a heart, compassion, and where is that desire to help a child, that you learned about in class?" Asking yourself over and over "Are you the only one that cares? Am I the only one that can see what type of parent, these kids have? Why are we the only one's that see, what is in the best interest of this child . . . "this foster child?" Somehow . . . you begin to feel that a "foster child" . . . "Is less equal to a "child?"

Your heart will quickly accept the role as "foster parent," it is your mind that is less accepting! You will constantly be reminded by workers, etc . . . "That you are a foster parent, (less equal to a parent) and you cannot become so . . . ATTACHED!" ATTACHED is the forbidden word! You can feel it, show it, live it, but never say it! Once you are labeled "Too Attached" it seems to be like a plague, the added burdens of being foster parents! There will be many times that you will question, if or why ? You would ever want to have another child placed with you, again!

It is the reality, the tears or the smile of that child living in your home, that will give you the strength to accept one more child! All of those fears, you had about those "troubled, sexually inappropriate, steeling, attachment disorder--children, that will never act like your own, are bombarded by the love, hopes and dreams your heart is feeling, realizing the possibilities these kids have . . . "If only the birth parents, workers and others . . . could see what you see!"

You will discover, that foster kids are left in the "system" way to long! Our hearts don't understand the meaning of time . . . paperwork, treatment plans, laws, procedures and court dates! Explaining to the child, about their next visit, their future, their parents, and the fears these kids are experiencing, has now become your entire focus and somehow begins building that wall that divides, those once "mutual goals" of your foster child, into separate paths, from those with the department of Children, youth and families!

Before you know it, "wanting to be a foster parent, is no longer . . . a want, but now, your LIFE!" Those classes that left you with questions or doubts about the children in care and the social workers that once seemed so much more knowledgeable and professional then you, now seem to be the "professional, but, only at law" making you the "professional voice" of those, referred to as "foster children!" Kids, experience and time have given you confidence in your ability to provide love and guidance to those children that need you. The time and lack of control, you will feel, seems to shine some light in a dark area, that instantly gives you respect for the goals and obstacle's Children, youth, and families are faced with! You will discover that the social workers have a great ability to focus on birth parents, the foster kids, laws and foster parents, somehow leading all of those involved with these children, down the same road, all searching for that "best possible solution, for that child!"

When your contemplating about becoming foster parents; the social workers, laws and treatment plans are never apart of your consideration. Your thoughts, were only of the kids . . . When you feel defeated about the confusion of the system, reassure yourself, "by asking; Why did we become foster parents?" I am relieved of the stress and burdens that social service, is there to deal with-making me able to put my love, attention and focus back to where it belongs! "The Children!" It's not always easy for me to do, but it has been helpful to remind me of my role as a foster parent! (Each person involved with these kids, have their own role)

There will be times that no one will agree, or understand each others view, no wrong or right views! (That must be what makes the system work!) I believe that the social workers have the same compassion, goals and desires to help these children, just as we do. Fortunately, (for me) they are the professionals and we are the ones that are able to allow our emotions to take over! The knowledge of a social worker is sometimes hard for me to understand, yet, their professional knowledge seems to be what has helped Jody and I to be successful "in the journey we set out for . . . the day we made that phone call!"

Our foster children, (about 150 kids) some easier than others, some with the descriptions they give you in class, but most are "enjoyable," that have left many joys and memories in our home and have given us a fulfilling purpose in life. The social workers, some more than others, have given us strength, became our friends and helped us to stay focused on what was really important!

The kids that will pass through your home, are not the answers to infertility . . . (That was a hard lesson for me!) However, they will fulfill that desire to parent, (sometimes more than you wanted!) and give you the chance to offer hope, guidance, and friendship . . . that they can take with them on their journey of life! The opportunity to give hope and a smile to a human life is your reward that you can keep an entire lifetime! I consider, touching a child's life in a positive way, to be the meaning of a successful "foster family!" (Actually successful . . . in life!)

There is some truth to that statement "foster children are not like your own children." Without suggesting there isn't a great possibility for each of these kids! I would prefer to describe a foster child's behavior as "their way to survive, rather than a list of negatives that seems to label these kids." I try to explain some of our kids behaviors to others, by using my infertility as an example: Our lives are complete and our family is full to the top, 11 kids total! "People, are always amazed and don't understand . . . "11 kids, they say?" Yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, every month just in time for that monthly cycle, I think "what if I was pregnant?!" I don't want to be pregnant and am happy with our life, I can't explain it! Until, you have struggled with infertility you just can't understand the pain it can cause! Just as with foster children, if you have never been handed a bag, by a police officer or a social worker, then given just a short time to throw your clothes, toys, friends, dreams, and wishes into a bag that will be shuffled around from car to car, home to home, and if you're lucky there might be enough room wherever they're going, that their siblings will go to the same place, as them! Then left with total strangers, while another stranger makes plans for their future! Left scared, without the only parents they have ever known, (abusive or not, they are their parents) expecting that these kids will understand, that life is more than what they are accustom to and that all of these strangers are doing this . . . to help them! They wait. And wait, for the parents to follow treatment plans, the courts to hear their case, counseling begins, visits . . . and before you know it, they have bonded . . . with those strangers, now, their "foster family and all of their kids!" "Time to be returned home, pack those bags!" The exposure to this life style has changed our lives and views dramatically, and we haven't been abused! Some kids experience many moves, many families and then . . . years later. They discover that these kids will need to have a permanent placement! "I bet, if we walked in their shoes, understanding their behaviors would make life, as a foster family, much easier!" "These kids, can't explain it!" "I know that I couldn't do half as well at surviving, as most of our foster kids!" So . . . should these be considered behaviors problems? Or trying to survive, the life they were handed?

My overall description of a "foster family" is best described, as: Having a family that functions at what society would consider "normal," open their doors, to a large extended family, that have never met! This extended family consists of doctors, lawyers, housewives, social workers, unemployed, passive, vocal, different races, his kids, their kids, our kids, your kids, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents!! All focused, with the same passion to solve the "million dollar question," that a complete stranger just handed your family . . . and said, "work it out, you have 90 days, a stranger will be back to check your answers and if you get the right answer, your entire family will be the winner!" Some families have the ability to discuss, stay focussed, compromise, agree, and find the best answer, that will benefit all that are involved! "A foster family!" Our lives as a "foster family" has been rewarded! These kids that will touch your life . . . are kids that need a family, to be compassionate, patient and willing to open their home and give them a chance! All kids have possibilities and we have the possibility to help!


 

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