"Unbonded Children" was the topic presented by Danette Norman and Matt Muempfer at the Foster Parent Association Conference in Kentucky this year, Danette Norman MSW, is the Indiana State Director of Specialized Alternatives for Retarded Citizens, Inc., and Matt Muempfer BA, is from their Specialized Alternatives for Families and Youth division.

Their presentation began with the flat statement that if you ever have an unattached child in your care, be sure you have your support systems in place. Ms. Norman reiterated this by saying that if you're a single parent, don't take this child. (as a single foster parent myself, I vouch for its near impossibility: It was only when I realized I needed to get a babysitter, for no other reason than to occasionally give myself a break, that I was able to even begin to cope with a 15-month-old girl placed in my home for a year and a half: Yes, as young as that!) Because these children are so difficult, they tend to have had many placement homes before the social agencies recognize these children require supplemental assistance and by then, chances of successful intervention are substantially decreased. And moving these children so many times has only reinforced their unattachment issues.

Responsiveness and accessibility are essential caretaker qualities, states Ms. Norman, The initial parenting of most of our foster children is by people who do not have these traits. For the unattached child, the traditional cycle of Need-Rage-Gratification-Trust-Need became disrupted. Basic needs were not met and the child did not learn trust. For the unattached child, there is usually some form of trauma involved as well. Eventually the child will sever attachment to people in his/her environment and will turn inward to meet his/her needs.

When the cycle of caregiving is met, children learn [acting psychological connectedness between human beings. If a child bonds (or becomes attached)) early in life, he learns to trust and bond to others as he matures: bonding is transferable. The earlier bonding takes place the better. Ms. Norman stated that under age seven is best, but it is possible to attain bonding after that. One member of our audience attested to that stating that she was able to implement successful bonding with an unattached teenager.

Although bonding is considered transferable, it is this author's opinion based on my experience working with infants, that to have to make this transference constitutes a traumatic experience for the child, I believe we should be handling the movement of children between homes very carefully and eliminate as many transfers as possible. I disagree with the policy in San Bernardino County, CA, (where I live) of "shelter care" where children, including infants and very young children, removed from their homes, are placed in a temporary shelter facility - even newborns from the hospital - for up to 30 days.. The children are generally left there for the full 30 days before being resituated in a "long term" foster home, which is long enough for bonding to have been established between the child and caretaker.

Norman and Muempfer's presentation described the unattached child as one who believes he/she is worthless, is never safe, and is impotent. Unattached children believe their caretakers are unresponsive, unreliable, threatening and dangerous, and they will detach themselves from their caretake as a survival mechanism. Conduct problems for the unattached child include increased interactions with caretakers, keeping caretakers at a distance both physically and emotionally, and venting their pent-up frustrations and anger (a lot!) Norman and Muempfer emphasize that for this population, it is imperative that caretakers not only change these children's behavior, but they must change the feelings that bring about these behaviors. Goals for these children need to be set that enable them to think clearly, behave consistently, and ultimately, to feel differently.

What are some of the behaviors unbonded children manifest? In our lecture session, the class devised a list that included the fact that these children will not permit emotional or physical closeness, yet they go to strangers indiscriminately: they are gregarious people. These children do dangerous things and don't appear to learn from their mistakes. They don't seem to feel pain. They are often misdiagnosed as Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). These children are manipulative (beyond belief!), and often set those around them in a bad light: Caregivers are told that they're just not being understanding enough and are often accused of not being loving caring people. Oddly enough, "these children leave a trail of 'unloving and uncaring' homes behind them." states Ms. Morman, before the seriousness of their issues are acknowledged by the social system. These children provoke anger in others; they blatantly lie In the face of reality; they demonstrate a lack of consciousness, are calculating, and don't seem to learn from their own mistakes. They are controlling people; they don't want help and insist on doing things their own way, They can be self abusive and/or cruel to animals and people. They have no sense of personal boundaries or for their own safety. They are oppositional, lead others into trouble, and often create crisis situations. They don't make eye contact. These people are self-centered, entirely and completely.

To this author, having an unbonded child felt like having a person around who needed attention but was unable to permit normal human contact. It seemed like these extreme measures had been developed in order to gain the attention they needed in the only way left open to them during their childhood development: by creating crisis situations. These children demand attention yet refuse hugs. My foster child taught me the meaning of patience - and I thought I was patient before meeting her!

What are eome techniques and goals we can use to help these children (and to survive intact ourselves)? Norman and Muempfer point out that what works for others doesn't work for these children. "Time out" doesn't work. (An overwhelming agreement murmur/moan from the audience). Respite care is a must. Non-stop patience and lovejust isn't possible or realistic. In her presentation on the unattatched child at the 1996 NFPA convention in Los Angeles the previous year, Myrna McNitt, MSW, brought to my attention THE ONE MINUTE SCOLDING by Gerald B. Nelson which I did find helpful in dealing with my foster daughter. My procedure was to take her into her room (a private place), sit her on my lap, and then I would lecture, non-stop, for one minute. She was not permitted to say anything during this time. Then I gave her a hug (a quick one remember, I'm encroaching on her space here, and it's a life-threatening issue for her), and sent her on her way. This approach worked, for her, when nothing else did.

Generally, these children (and adults) function best in a highly structured environment. There are many people with limited attachment issues that do well in our society, such as salesmen and politicians. In the news, much has been made of the unattached criminal, people who appear to have no remorse for their actions such as the Mansons of the late 1960s and more recently, the Uni-Bomber, Kackzinski.

Fostering an unattached child is more than difficult, it can be overwhelming. But there are rewards. After a rear and a half in my home, my foster daughter likes me to hold her. She's still very busy, and it's not for long, but it's there. Most significant of all, however, is that she has learned to be proud of herself! Now that is a joy to see.