When a kid comes into your home and you are suddenly in charge of helping to shape his life, it is very easy to get caught up in the moment. You want to do great things for them and with them. You want significant changes to appear before your eyes. If you are too impatient, this unfortunately can mean you also have unrealistic expectations of that child.

DON'T GET ME WRONG I DO NOT BELIEVE IN GIVING KIDS A FREE RIDE. I do believe in making them responsible for all their actions and certainly the resulting consequences, but do keep in mind what has happened to them recently.

Before they reached your home, they were taken out of theirs. Most times, they were not given a choice if they wanted to stay or not, just told they must go. They are going to live with strangers( hopefully you won't be that for long, but you are now.) They are going to need to sleep and eat with people they don't know. The house is strange, the rules are different, even the food may be different. We're talking significant changes in their lifestyle.

These kids lost all control of what happens to them. They may have very little say in what they do or don't do. Suddenly everyone is making decisions for them.. Up to this point, they may have made their own decisions or maybe no one cared enough to make any decisions. No matter how you slice it, you may be the bad guy and cannot expect them to immediately warm up to you, much less work the program you have in mind for them. No matter how many heart to hearts, or home-baked brownies, this is going to take time.

Your first few days, possibly weeks need to be used to get to know each other and gain trust. They won't work with you or for you until they trust you. Often, kids are not given enough adjustment time. The foster parents give up too soon if they see no promising signs or results in a very short time. Foster parenting is about staying in there for the long haul. It teaches one patience, endurance, and what I refer to as stick-to-it-ive-ness. Remember, don't ever give up on these kids. That's often what the parents did and now their children live with you. Think of the honor of being the only adult in their lives who ever stuck it out. The only person they could take at their word and count on.

When starting to work with these kids, remember where they came from. They may never have had to do chores. Saying grace at the table may scare them. Doing homework before they receive nasty demands may be foreign to them. We had one kid whose mom loved him so much she would not make him do homework. She believed he should just play. Maybe these kids are not well versed on hygiene and good personal habits. Manners may mean nothing to them.

Keeping your expectations reasonable may mean learning to choose your battles. We always started with the tough ones. For example, most of our kids had chemical problems of one sort or another. We worked on that issue rather than worried about whether their room was clean or not. We always prioritized. We did not let go of trying to accomplish other goals with that child. Instead, we worked on those things most important. Years ago, we even allowed our almost grown boys to smoke, that issue has been settled for foster parents now. At the time our thinking was I really need to keep him from abusing drugs or shooting up. Yes, smoking is not good for your health, but it is was of very little concern if he overdosed and died.

I have known foster parents to do the white glove test to check rooms. Personally, I find that ridiculous. Our house ran on, "Clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy." Sometimes even that was a challenge when the house was filled with 8 oversized boys.

Most kids, once they connect , want to please you. If they don't connect, the battle is more difficult and will require more time. Even when they wish to please you, they may not know how. Remember the mom who thought homework was not something her child had to do. The kids we get come from anything but traditional situations. The relationships in some of their families are so confused with roles being muddled and boundaries blurred that it is difficult to even understand your foster family. They don't even recognize the family concept.

Expecting these kids to come from losing their parents, siblings, home, and all their important stuff, and to immediately fit right in and "get it" is too much. To expect perfection when their abilities are too few is hopeless. If you think they will be perfect kids in two weeks just cause they live in your house, you are lying to yourself. It took some of them 15 years or more to get this messed up, it will not change overnight, no matter how wonderful you are or what you do.

Sit back. Take a deep breath. Realize this may be the challenge of a life time. Accept the fact that you can do it. Ask for guidance from a higher power and recognize the fact that you are human. And so is this kid. Give him what he needs most- like love, attention, guidance, patience, a chance to succeed. Reserve the bad stuff- like judgement, impatience, intolerance, and anger.

Adjust your expectations and you will both be happier. Good Luck and God Bless You for fostering.

Other articles on Foster Parent Community by Jo Ann Wentzel:

• Don't Forget Gifts Of Toys For Teens
• The Value of Consistency
• Hanging In There For The Long Haul
• Teens Believe They Are Immortal
• Picking Your Battles
• School Violence Due In Part To Intolerance
• Foster Kids Really Are Ours
• Gifts To The Foster Parent
• Help Kids Discover Their Softer Side
• Yippee! Kids Go Back to School, Oh No! Trouble Now Begins
• Caring for A Pregnant Teen
• Learning On The Job
• Did We Know How to Parent Before Labels?

Biography of Jo Ann Wentzel

Between the years of 1966 and 1993, I brought children into life, into my foster home, into court, and into their own apartments. Mother of three, two natural children born to me and one foster kid who never left our family, grandmother to five, foster mom to over 75 kids, and mother, friend,, guardian angel,, or their worse nightmare, depending on which of the other hundreds of kids you ask.

A quarter of a century devoted to raising children, learning what issues concerned them, volunteering to help groups serving kids, and teaching others what little I know. Life Ready was our own business where we installed kids, who had no other choice, into their own apartment. My husband and I, as para-professionals, also were contracted by counties in Minnesota to supervise kids and work with families to help get foster kids back home. Before foster care, I was a licensed daycare provider and cared for all ages of children. During foster care, our specialty was teenaged boys and we had a group home where we served up to eight youth at a time. Street kids and gang members were among those we worked with and families ranged from traditional to what in the world. Our kids came from all over Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, and North Dakota. Volunteer positions were held in Pennsylvania, Texas, and Minnesota.

I have held the position of Guardian-ad-Litem in Goodhue County, a paid not volunteer position. I trained to be a surrogate parent which enables you to sign I.E.Ps for children whose parents can't or won't. I have taken Mediator training for Minnesota court system. With my husband, I presented a seminar at the Minnesota Social Worker's Convention in Minneapolis, spoke at the Federal Medical Center( a prison), and gave several talks to school classrooms.

My book is about the experiences and adventures of a foster parent. It encourages creative parenting and offers useful methods and ideas for everyone raising kids. It features just a few of the many wonderful kids that lived with us.It tells how we ran our home of as many as eight teenaged foster kids at a time. It is written from the viewpoint of the expert, the one who does the job, the hands on provider- the foster parent.This book is currently looking for a publisher and will be available just as soon as we find one.