Foster kids rarely have just one area where problems exist. Most kids, in fact, have several bad behaviors to correct, issues they must overcome, and goals they must reach. The foster parent sees their job as mender, fixer, or repair person. We are never content to just let these issues resolve themselves, and rightly so. We arm ourselves with ideas, solutions, and prayer to battle the various problems.

One thing wrong with this strategy is the fact that we attack on all fronts, instead of focusing on just one enemy at a time. Foster parents must pick their battles carefully. There are two basic reasons that this is best. Number one is the fact that kids can not usually successfully work on a whole array of problems at one time. The second reason is for the sake of the foster parent. You will burn out too quickly if you don't reserve your strength.

But you say, these kids have soooo many problems. They need so much help. You count off the problems on your fingers, but before you get to your toes, slow down. Try to remember it took many years for these problems to develop. You cannot fix this kid by Friday. You will need to pick your battles.

This assessment to decide which war you wage may take a bit of time. It is also hard to do when you still don't know the child well. Until you truly connect with a kid, you must rely on first impressions and what you have actually witnessed.

It is necessary to prioritize this child's needs when deciding which behaviors to conquer, and help him meet challenges necessary for a functional life. We developed a system. First, list all the major problems. Put things in perspective, this is usually not going to include things like he does not make his bed, or he forgets to brush his teeth. If these are this kid's most pressing problem, pat yourself on the back, give him a big hug, and be content that you are so lucky. I m thinking more in the terms of items like he is violent toward others, he uses pot, he steals, or he cannot stay in school. You know- the kinds of issues foster parents deal with every day.

Next, start to prioritize them. I tend to divide them into the following categories.

1. Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to other's well being.
2. Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to the foster child's physical well being.
3. Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to other's mental/emotional well being.
4. Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to the foster child's mental/emotional well being.
5. Behaviors, activities, or problems that are against the law.
6. Behaviors, activities, or problems that interfere with the foster child's education.
7. Behaviors, activities, or problems that interfere with the running of the household.
8. All other negative behaviors, activities, or problems that you need work on.

Start at the top and work your way down. Work on one problem to its solution before tackling another one. The only time you should break this rule is when you are getting nowhere after months and months of work then focus on another problem for awhile, going back to the first after the new one is solved.

You may see this list differently than others do and change the arrangement of priorities. Even foster parents have pet peeves, pet projects, or their own things that drive them crazy. I remember one foster mom who took really tough kids. The only ones she would refuse were those with blue hair. Drove her crazy. We can laugh about such a silly thing, but if the child is where you can see them, day after day and a little thing sets you off, you will be unable to parent that kid effectively. I believe foster parents should always have the option to decide if a child will fit into their home and lifestyle. There are so many kids out there; we should be able to accommodate most parents. I also believe their requests should be reasonable, blue hair is probably not a real valid excuse, but I can understand it just the same.

I feel any behavior that can lead to death or injury for anyone must be number one on your list. That battle has a high chance of casualties if you do not attack there. One battle at a time, unless the problem will prove to be a small, little skirmish. Kids can work effectively on correcting one behavior. They will be more successful if they believe this is the one thing that will please you (and shut you up). When you approach with a long list in hand, they don't fight, they don't surrender, and they just play dead. They don t hear you or even care what you are saying. It is impossible to redirect them. It is impossible to implement a plan or develop a procedure. They have turned you off , and they will not be part of your little war since they are sure they cannot win. Make it easier on them by giving them one front to battle at a time. Then, everyone wins.

To all foster parents who have taken up arms to battle for our kids, I commend you.

Other articles on Foster Parent Community by Jo Ann Wentzel:

• Reasonable Expectations of Foster Kids
• Don't Forget Gifts Of Toys For Teens
• The Value of Consistency
• Hanging In There For The Long Haul
• Teens Believe They Are Immortal
• School Violence Due In Part To Intolerance
• Foster Kids Really Are Ours
• Gifts To The Foster Parent
• Help Kids Discover Their Softer Side
• Yippee! Kids Go Back to School, Oh No! Trouble Now Begins
• Caring for A Pregnant Teen
• Learning On The Job
• Did We Know How to Parent Before Labels?

Biography of Jo Ann Wentzel

Between the years of 1966 and 1993, I brought children into life, into my foster home, into court, and into their own apartments. Mother of three, two natural children born to me and one foster kid who never left our family, grandmother to five, foster mom to over 75 kids, and mother, friend, guardian angel, or their worse nightmare, depending on which of the other hundreds of kids you ask.

A quarter of a century devoted to raising children, learning what issues concerned them, volunteering to help groups serving kids, and teaching others what little I know. Life Ready was our own business where we installed kids, who had no other choice, into their own apartment. My husband and I, as para-professionals, also were contracted by counties in Minnesota to supervise kids and work with families to help get foster kids back home. Before foster care, I was a licensed daycare provider and cared for all ages of children. During foster care, our specialty was teenaged boys and we had a group home where we served up to eight youth at a time. Street kids and gang members were among those we worked with and families ranged from traditional to what in the world. Our kids came from all over Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, and North Dakota. Volunteer positions were held in Pennsylvania, Texas, and Minnesota.

I have held the position of Guardian-ad-Litem in Goodhue County, a paid not volunteer position. I trained to be a surrogate parent which enables you to sign I.E.Ps for children whose parents can't or won't. I have taken Mediator training for Minnesota court system. With my husband, I presented a seminar at the Minnesota Social Worker's Convention in Minneapolis, spoke at the Federal Medical Center( a prison), and gave several talks to school classrooms.

My book is about the experiences and adventures of a foster parent. It encourages creative parenting and offers useful methods and ideas for everyone raising kids. It features just a few of the many wonderful kids that lived with us.It tells how we ran our home of as many as eight teenaged foster kids at a time. It is written from the viewpoint of the expert, the one who does the job, the hands on provider- the foster parent.This book is currently looking for a publisher and will be available just as soon as we find one.