From the time of our first foster kid until the last one, as foster parents we were told, these kids belong to someone else. They are not your children. They already have parents and families. You are just a temporary substitute for their real parents. I'm sorry, but I beg to differ with that opinion.

For all intents and purposes, when these kids come into our homes, they also enter our hearts. I've had only a few I was not sad to see leave, most could have stayed on forever. They were my children even when I reminded myself they were not. I knew they had biological parents, but I became the parent of the heart. My soul and very essence was wrapped up in that child. He was mine, at least for a time.

Biological parents or birth parents were there first. They changed those diapers and watched the first steps, but as a foster parent we are also privy to firsts. Sometimes, they are the bad firsts, like when they stole a car for the first time. Sometimes, they are the good firsts, as when the child finally gets home by curfew.

Natural parents, the ones these kids are born to, are responsible for teaching their kids many things. Some do a darn good job of it, but most of the kids we get, have not been taught well. That is where we come in. We teach them what they should already know. We give them those lessons they never had or at the least, did not understand.

Foster parents are told, do not get too close. Hogwash! We are told don't get involved emotionally, this is just a job. Right! If you believe that you will probably be a very ineffectual foster parent. Social workers have told us to distance ourselves, don't do it. That is what their own parents did and you see how well that worked.

This past week, my very first foster kid from years ago was shot. A neighbor with 30 guns and some literature on how to kill someone took six shots at this young man. The reason, a noisy motorcycle and some tire tracks in his yard. This was the first this kid heard of it being a problem in the two years he lived by this older man. Fortunately, he is okay, but will need operations and therapy to regain use of his hand.

I first heard the news from a foster kid who became part of my family. He heard it on the TV. I had no details and till I was able to get information, did not even know if this kid was alive. For at least a half an hour, I was unsure if he lived or died and I believe that I went through what any parent would go through in this situation.

I was terrified, memories flashed through my mind, and my heart almost stopped until I heard his voice. The after effects of this news and the subsequent hospital visits brought about feelings of grief and mourning for what he has lost, especially emotionally. His fear, distrust level has gone up. His sense of well being and belief in goodness of others has been shattered. The trauma and the fear he experienced have left their mark on all of us.

I acted like a parent, rushing to find news and going to see him with my own eyes to ascertain that he is indeed going to be okay. I was able to take a back seat while others cared for him, mostly his girlfriend, but I was there. Once, when he left, we told him we would always be there for him. He still looked surprised as we proved it again.

Looking into his eyes, I could see the disbelief and horror that came with the reality that someone wished him dead. This was always a gentle young man with a very good heart. His problems never involved cruelty to others and he was a wonderful help to me as well as I to him. He was grateful for anything he got and had a way of being there for others. The memories of our times together almost overcame me when I first saw him in that hospital bed. The same mothering instincts came back. For a time, he was mine, as all my foster children were while they lived with us.

Foster parents need to get involved emotionally in their foster kid's lives. They need to treat them with the same respect and consideration, with which they treat their own kids. Fairness is vital and cannot be achieved if foster kids are not thought of as your own. Equality will go far to helping a foster child fit in. I always say, my natural children got much less than most kids, since we shared everything we had equally with whoever was part of the family at the time. This was our way.

If you plan something, do you include your foster kids? Are there names on lists for family events? Does the extended family recognize them as part of yours? They should, because they are part of your family.

I know all about the problems of foster kids feeling disloyal to their own families if they get too close to yours. I won't deny it can pose problems. Tell them they have two families if that solves the problem. You can tell them that they need not feel the same about you as you do about them, but you cannot stop feeling that they are part of your family. Do whatever you must for your foster child's comfort level, but don't stop thinking of them as family. I think, pulling away and keeping your distance causes more problems in comparison to some you have when you accept them as your own kids.

We have always given foster kids the choice to react to our caring in their own way. Unless, they specifically asked us to not act like family, we always did. My best results came from those who we got closest to and became part of our family. All the time we were helping them learn about family by example, we encouraged them to stay in touch with their own. We helped them reach the understanding needed to see their very own parents did not have the kind of family they should have had. We showed them what it was like to have a real family and some took that knowledge home.

I don't regret anything I've ever done for any of my kids. I do not for one minute believe I replaced their parents. When they left our house to return to their birth parents, they may have soon forgot me, but some of them never did. To some, I still am mom or ma. Every once in awhile, a kid will track me down and leave a cryptic message on my answering machine, which says, I know I was a pain-in-the-butt when I lived with you. But I really learned a lot from you. You guys were really good to me. Or maybe they will tell me about their successes and claim it was because of something we did or said. They tell me they called because they wanted us to know they turned out good or because they respected our opinion on something. They want to please us and apologize for what they said when they were younger. They wanted to do it to you, the foster parent. The person who temporarily substituted for their own parents until they were able to parent again. They wanted to share news with the person that changed their life while they were growing up. They wanted to thank the person who taught them important life lessons. Now, doesn't that sound like a parent to you?

To all you foster parents who have opened your homes and your hearts, I congratulate you. To all of you who forget these kids are not born to you are not your own, I commend you.

Jo Ann Wentzel is Senior Editor of:   Parenting Today's Teen
Jo Ann Wentzel's Parent Consultation Services
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Other articles on Foster Parent Community by Jo Ann Wentzel:

• Reasonable Expectations of Foster Kids
• Don't Forget Gifts Of Toys For Teens
• The Value of Consistency
• Hanging In There For The Long Haul
• Teens Believe They Are Immortal
• Picking Your Battles
• School Violence Due In Part To Intolerance
• Gifts To The Foster Parent
• Help Kids Discover Their Softer Side
• Yippee! Kids Go Back to School, Oh No! Trouble Now Begins
• Caring for A Pregnant Teen
• Learning On The Job
• Did We Know How to Parent Before Labels?

Biography of Jo Ann Wentzel

Between the years of 1966 and 1993, I brought children into life, into my foster home, into court, and into their own apartments. Mother of three, two natural children born to me and one foster kid who never left our family, grandmother to five, foster mom to over 75 kids, and mother, friend, guardian angel, or their worse nightmare, depending on which of the other hundreds of kids you ask.

A quarter of a century devoted to raising children, learning what issues concerned them, volunteering to help groups serving kids, and teaching others what little I know. Life Ready was our own business where we installed kids, who had no other choice, into their own apartment. My husband and I, as para-professionals, also were contracted by counties in Minnesota to supervise kids and work with families to help get foster kids back home. Before foster care, I was a licensed daycare provider and cared for all ages of children. During foster care, our specialty was teenaged boys and we had a group home where we served up to eight youth at a time. Street kids and gang members were among those we worked with and families ranged from traditional to what in the world. Our kids came from all over Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, and North Dakota. Volunteer positions were held in Pennsylvania, Texas, and Minnesota.

I have held the position of Guardian-ad-Litem in Goodhue County, a paid not volunteer position. I trained to be a surrogate parent which enables you to sign I.E.Ps for children whose parents can't or won't. I have taken Mediator training for Minnesota court system. With my husband, I presented a seminar at the Minnesota Social Worker's Convention in Minneapolis, spoke at the Federal Medical Center( a prison), and gave several talks to school classrooms.

My book is about the experiences and adventures of a foster parent. It encourages creative parenting and offers useful methods and ideas for everyone raising kids. It features just a few of the many wonderful kids that lived with us.It tells how we ran our home of as many as eight teenaged foster kids at a time. It is written from the viewpoint of the expert, the one who does the job, the hands on provider- the foster parent.This book is currently looking for a publisher and will be available just as soon as we find one.