A big part of parenting is following your instincts, and if you were raised in a loving, healthy home, your instincts should be pretty good. But, even with the best of instincts, much of foster parenting is learned on the job.

Individuals who decide to become foster parents have no way of knowing what adventures lie ahead. They don't begin to suspect the challenges they will face. These beautiful, loving, innocent folks are clueless when they try to imagine the different situations they will become involved in daily.

It is not their fault that they are naive, or uninformed, or do not anticipate the many events that will soon be part of their lives. It is natural to only know well those things you have first hand knowledge of and what you have studied. Before becoming foster parents, most people are simply parents and want to help other children as well as their own kids. We really do not offer them enough training in advance as to how to parent this high - risk kids, so the majority of us learn on the job.

Learning on the job should not strike fear in your hearts or even worry you too greatly; it is a natural function. Do you remember when you first brought your own newborn baby home from the hospital? Do you recall the feelings that ran through you as you looked at that helplessly tiny infant and realized it's total dependence was upon you? It was frightening at first to take on such a great responsibility, but you did it. You learned how to recognize all the different sounds that baby made along with their meanings. You eventually mastered diapering the still untrained toddler as they tried to escape. Recognizing the signs of childhood diseases became second nature to you, you even knew the immunization schedule by heart. Later, you became an expert in everything from school science projects to football plays. You did it all because you had to; it was necessary to better parent your kids. It is the same with foster parenting.

Understand I still believe foster parents need so many skills that much more training should be offered and required. I think there are so many subjects we must excel at and thousands of topics we must be familiar with that good training makes sense. I am also a proponent of not reinventing the wheel if someone has already worked out the best methods why not share those. But my independent and creative nature also forces me to advise parents to follow their instincts and get creative in their approaches when it is not a life or death matter.

Learning on the job is the only sensible way to learn some things. Book learning and being shown are not the same as doing it yourself. If your natural kids were all "A" students and never suffered from learning disabilities, you are probably not an expert in that field. Don't worry, you soon will be if you parent kids like this. You will soon learn to adjust your methods and expectations for kids who cannot do well in school without lots of assistance. You will bring teaching and requests down to their level without being patronizing. You may learn to use simpler words, one task commands, and talk more slowly and deliberately. With some kids you may see a need for much more patience than you ever thought you had. Others may require a lot of handholding throughout every step of a process to complete some task. You will learn what is needed.

Before I fostered, I had no experience with chemical abuse. It took some time to realize what all the signs of abuse were and what those signs indicated. I had to learn about many different drugs, how they were used, what they cost, where they could be obtained, and what the long-term effects were from abusing them. I'd like to say I learned all this from training and when I first started foster care, but that is untrue. By the time I received the training I had been living with chemical abusers for more than a year. I had learned by being nosy and asking questions. I picked up street names of drugs, and places where they sold these things from the kids themselves. Often just overheard remarks were an education.

This learning on the job also took place when it came to sexual abuse. I never was so close to that problem before. Of course, I knew it existed, but it never makes an impact on you until you experience it firsthand or witness the aftermath of its victims. After hearing the revelations from kids, that sometimes occur when they start to feel comfortable with you, you soon become an expert. It is tough to imagine what these children had to live through. There experiences were horrible and sometimes so disgusting it is hard to fathom that one person can treat another in such a way. You may have no experience, but your instincts tell you to be cautious and to be empathic. You learn to recognize the different ways this abusive past manifests itself in youth. You start to know the reasons behind the behaviors. Like the eating disorders, the choice of clothing, the awful sleeping habits, or the mistrust of everyone. You learned this by working with these kids and being observant. Yes, training may have better prepared you for the symptoms and signs of past abuse, but you learned how to react by living with these kids. You learn to take relationships slow and lower your expectations about any affectionate return from these kids. You realize you must first build up self-esteem and trust in the world before they will believe and accept you. It is a long procedure with few quick results.

Illnesses, disorders, and all those acronyms for disabilities and syndromes are learned when necessary, you don't usually have too much previous knowledge of those things. Learning on the job is how I learned about diabetes and many more unpleasant things like venereal diseases and what drugs those required.

So don't worry about what you don’t know. Just open your mind to learning, be observant, and let your instincts take over. You know when someone hurts they need comfort. You know when someone is confused; they need patience and understanding. And you know that every child that comes through your door needs love, so give it. The rest you can learn. Don't ever stop learning. Thanks to all foster parents who took this amazing job and now are learning more than they ever dreamed possible.

Jo Ann Wentzel is Senior Editor of:   Parenting Today's Teen

Jo Ann has a new book released on CD-Rom - "It Begins and Ends With Family" For info Click here
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Other articles on Foster Parent Community by Jo Ann Wentzel:

• Reasonable Expectations of Foster Kids
• Don't Forget Gifts Of Toys For Teens
• The Value of Consistency
• Hanging In There For The Long Haul
• Teens Believe They Are Immortal
• Picking Your Battles
• School Violence Due In Part To Intolerance
• Foster Kids Really Are Ours
• Gifts To The Foster Parent
• Help Kids Discover Their Softer Side
• Yippee! Kids Go Back to School, Oh No! Trouble Now Begins
• Caring for A Pregnant Teen
• Did We Know How to Parent Before Labels?

Biography of Jo Ann Wentzel

Between the years of 1966 and 1993, I brought children into life, into my foster home, into court, and into their own apartments. Mother of three, two natural children born to me and one foster kid who never left our family, grandmother to five, foster mom to over 75 kids, and mother, friend, guardian angel, or their worse nightmare, depending on which of the other hundreds of kids you ask.

A quarter of a century devoted to raising children, learning what issues concerned them, volunteering to help groups serving kids, and teaching others what little I know. Life Ready was our own business where we installed kids, who had no other choice, into their own apartment. My husband and I, as para-professionals, also were contracted by counties in Minnesota to supervise kids and work with families to help get foster kids back home.

Before foster care, I was a licensed daycare provider and cared for all ages of children. During foster care, our specialty was teenaged boys and we had a group home where we served up to eight youth at a time. Street kids and gang members were among those we worked with and families ranged from traditional to what in the world. Our kids came from all over Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, and North Dakota. Volunteer positions were held in Pennsylvania, Texas, and Minnesota.

I have held the position of Guardian-ad-Litem in Goodhue County, a paid not volunteer position. I trained to be a surrogate parent which enables you to sign I.E.Ps for children whose parents can't or won't. I have taken Mediator training for Minnesota court system. With my husband, I presented a seminar at the Minnesota Social Worker's Convention in Minneapolis, spoke at the Federal Medical Center( a prison), and gave several talks to school classrooms.

My book is about the experiences and adventures of a foster parent. It encourages creative parenting and offers useful methods and ideas for everyone raising kids. It features just a few of the many wonderful kids that lived with us.It tells how we ran our home of as many as eight teenaged foster kids at a time. It is written from the viewpoint of the expert, the one who does the job, the hands on provider- the foster parent.This book is currently looking for a publisher and will be available just as soon as we find one.