If I could give only one word of advice to parents that word would be consistency. A consistent parent gives the child a gift of always knowing what to expect. Neither, the rules, nor the consequences change daily.

I had foster kids who called this "nagging", but they knew what they could or could not do and what would happen if they made the wrong choice. They would come in the door and before they knew we knew what they had been up to, they were discussing the consequences. They knew them in advance. I knew I had hit home with a message when the kids started to finish the sentence. No kid, upon learning they were in trouble, could claim ignorance because I had heard them repeat that very rule.

They claim the average attention span for teens being talked to is about 30 seconds, so that is the time you have to get messages across. If that is the case, a complete message needs to be broken down into small, short bits, and repeated often.

Teens dislike sermons so these short bursts are best. But more important than length is what you say. Being consistent means telling them the exact same thing in the exact same way. It is kind of like when you hear an advertising jingle for a product on TV. You begin to remember the exact words; the phrase goes together without even thinking about it. Have you noticed the new trend in advertisements? The first few weeks, or months, you get the complete ad with every gruesome detail. Later on, just the punchline, so to speak, is the entire ad, but in your mind you have already filled in the blanks. It is the same with these little messages.

Consistency would mean nothing to kids if it were only reserved for what and how we say it. You must follow through in practice. This means a parent should be very sure of what policies they want to implement. Consistency implies, no change without a good reason. I have been a foster parent in organizations where every day saw policy changes. As foster parents, we were confused. Now, consider a foster child who has never had stability. Suddenly, the pattern is repeating itself and he does not know what the rules are anymore. Most foster kids came from families that were very inconsistent. For the first few years of parenting, these parents were often so lenient, set few rules, and never expected kids to pay consequences for their action. Suddenly, they decide it is time to be firm and go so far the other direction as to almost be abusive. They certainly are not realistic. It takes months before they admit this approach is not working and midstream; they change direction once again. Their kids are confused, and by this time probably dizzy.

Another scenario is the parents who say if you do this, you will be punished in this way. When the kids do (let's say use drugs), the punishment for that is grounding for a month. Unfortunately, the kids are driving them crazy being inside and whining all the time so they let them out in two weeks. These kids have just learned not to believe what you say. They figure they should not worry about rules or consequences since you will weaken or they can get around you. It is always better to keep grounding to a minimum that you can live with, but be consistent. I must admit this does not always work since I had one young man who was grounded for two weeks every time he got drunk. He had the pleasure of my company every two weeks. He would pay his consequence without complaining, then immediately go out and do it again. It eventually took treatment to help the situation, but, we did not back down. This young man has since attached himself to our family and for all intents and purposes, he is our son. We all lived through it. I also in some rare instances allowed kids to work their way out of grounding for both our sanity's sake. But the work was in addition to regular chores, time-consuming, and hard.

Consistency is important in scheduling for the same reasons as in rules. These kids never knew if they would eat or when, what time they would finally go to bed, if they would actually see this parent that day etc. We tried to keep to a reasonable schedule in our foster home. It is difficult, but not impossible. Crisis and a tremendous workload makes it a challenge, but keep to a schedule as best you can, if you want calm kids. A factor in the lives they led which may have added to their problems was nothing was predictable. They might complain to you, but they tend to thrive on set times for everything. I am talking within reason here.

Kids learn to associate certain things with certain other events. such as homework being done directly before or after supper. The bus coming for school exactly ¸ hour after their morning shower. Lights out or quiet time at specific times, followed by sleep.

Consistency should also carry over to love. No matter what those kids do, they still need attention and love. That should never be withheld from them as a punishment when they screw up, they need it most of all.

See how consistency helps you deal with those kids. And foster parents- thank you for always being there.

Other articles on Foster Parent Community by Jo Ann Wentzel:

• Reasonable Expectations of Foster Kids
• Don't Forget Gifts Of Toys For Teens
• Hanging In There For The Long Haul
• Teens Believe They Are Immortal
• Picking Your Battles
• School Violence Due In Part To Intolerance
• Foster Kids Really Are Ours
• Gifts To The Foster Parent
• Help Kids Discover Their Softer Side
• Yippee! Kids Go Back to School, Oh No! Trouble Now Begins
• Caring for A Pregnant Teen
• Learning On The Job
• Did We Know How to Parent Before Labels?

Biography of Jo Ann Wentzel

Between the years of 1966 and 1993, I brought children into life, into my foster home, into court, and into their own apartments. Mother of three, two natural children born to me and one foster kid who never left our family, grandmother to five, foster mom to over 75 kids, and mother, friend,, guardian angel,, or their worse nightmare, depending on which of the other hundreds of kids you ask.

A quarter of a century devoted to raising children, learning what issues concerned them, volunteering to help groups serving kids, and teaching others what little I know. Life Ready was our own business where we installed kids, who had no other choice, into their own apartment. My husband and I, as para-professionals, also were contracted by counties in Minnesota to supervise kids and work with families to help get foster kids back home. Before foster care, I was a licensed daycare provider and cared for all ages of children. During foster care, our specialty was teenaged boys and we had a group home where we served up to eight youth at a time. Street kids and gang members were among those we worked with and families ranged from traditional to what in the world. Our kids came from all over Minnesota, Wisconsin, Iowa, and North Dakota. Volunteer positions were held in Pennsylvania, Texas, and Minnesota.

I have held the position of Guardian-ad-Litem in Goodhue County, a paid not volunteer position. I trained to be a surrogate parent which enables you to sign I.E.Ps for children whose parents can't or won't. I have taken Mediator training for Minnesota court system. With my husband, I presented a seminar at the Minnesota Social Worker's Convention in Minneapolis, spoke at the Federal Medical Center( a prison), and gave several talks to school classrooms.

My book is about the experiences and adventures of a foster parent. It encourages creative parenting and offers useful methods and ideas for everyone raising kids. It features just a few of the many wonderful kids that lived with us.It tells how we ran our home of as many as eight teenaged foster kids at a time. It is written from the viewpoint of the expert, the one who does the job, the hands on provider- the foster parent.This book is currently looking for a publisher and will be available just as soon as we find one.